My grandmother Moy explained how my life was saved and the man I met 2 years later began to explain things I somehow knew without a doubt. I knew on an unspoken level inside. I spent nearly 15 years with this man, who helped raise my children like his own. I was suddenly on a natural path of learning the mechanics behind the life we all see. I was fascinated ~ it made complete sense. I learned so much about human potential and the power alone of our thinking. I even learned about letting go of my worries and what I wanted to happen and to leave it to this higher power.
Even after all I'd read, all I'd been through I still wasn't where I needed to be, and I still didn't realize it. There was enough overwhelming, external evidence that something was very wrong within me and I had to "let go" of this magnificent man I spent a dozen years loving as best I could. That story was "Raven Ravine" and may still be written with the details I couldn't possibly do here.
I will tell you that the last time I felt myself "surrender my will" was when I prayed (1994) for our home (rented last 8 yrs) not to sell until our daughter graduated high school (2003).
Twelve days after graduation the realtor calls . . and the rest is "my story".
The sequences, the timing, the results, the awareness couldn't do enough to get me on the right track ~ I had to learn it the hard way.
Believe it or not, it's took me another 7+ years of personal anguish , fear, helplessness, and a lot of anger to get me where I am in my heart today. All my past knowledge did me no good in my greatest time of suffering. I was still pushing my will as hard as I could. I put myself, and especially my daughter, through so much hell and I only felt anger.
On December 31,2009, I faced my anger and knew I had to change. I literally cried my first tear (and only one) in twenty years and asked forgiveness for all the pain I'd caused. I felt a determination never to return to hell again that my life slowly began to get brighter and brighter because my attitude had changed to a personal surrender of MY will. Things that I hated before became no big deal, because they really weren't, things I had to accept I did because I KNEW it could be worse than it was, I was suddenly grateful for the things I'd resisted so badly, I started to realize I made my life what it was. Of course not the circumstances, but my thinking and gratitude. It was my own personal desire to see my life change that kept me doing things like daily affirmations that turned into reality within the next half a year!
If I saw "warning signs" that I was slipping, I got right back on my path and kept putting one foot in front of the other. Was I where I wanted to be? NO, but I knew things were gonna work out if I just kept going. I did.
Now, two and a half years later, my heart and spirit is fulfilled putting in more and more hours helping my new family out on the second largest horse sanctuary in Maine. I've never thought about animal rescue, but it started with the rescue of an osprey youngster literally swimming across the bay to my boyfriend and I about 5:30 the morning of September 29,2010.
I will stop today, so I wish you to fare well, and a hui ho, LL
P.S. I must tell you the first time I knew I prayed with all my heart ~ possibly later today ~
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