Misguided Courage ~

I spoke about reading a book, which explained my past to a degree, which gave me greater awareness into the "why's" for many aspects of myself and my growing-up family life. I felt the courage to move in a direction that would get me off of the pattern treadmill.

But the courage was misguided because it was guided my me alone: my thinking, the only steps known to me, or my will if you understand.

In other words, I put MY ideas into motion without seeking any guidance (outer & inner) that could keep the bigger picture of who I am firmly on a path towards something better. I literally thought prayer was simply saying preset words I never learned ~ words you had to learn from church. And I never even gave a thought to where the answers to those prayers popped from.

I split up our young family of four apart once I saw a way to support myself and my kids when I was out of a marriage I thought was built on weakness inside both my mate and myself. And I wanted out. I took a route towards creating a future in photography ~ I worked extremely hard for ten intense months to learn what it takes to make money in your own business doing (exceptional) photography. I put all my effort into doing the best I could ~ I loved it. I drove, every Friday & Sunday, 4 hours, each way between school in western Massachusetts and my two "babies", being taken care of by their father, in Maine.

I'd threatened, prior to school, that I'd take the kids with me otherwise, so my husband said he'd care for them while juggling his plant and shrub nursery in our own back yard. Oh my goodness, how could I have done that? Because I saw a way to finally be able to stand on my own two feet and make money doing it to support myself and my two kids one day in a way I knew I'd love (as I'd put in to what he did).

There was so much victimized pain on my husband's side and the drama continued behind my back as he imagined being victimized further behind his own ~ by me. Occasionally we fought horribly when I was home. Oh crap, what a misguided web of completely damaged will's acting out as only humans can.

To make matters worse, from day one I was completely captivated by my married, commercial photography instructor (who was clearly committed to his awesome life). The last semester of school, each instructor and the director gave a spellbinding slideshow of their life set to music prior to each giving his or her autobiography.

My commercial photography instructor was referred to as "Jesus" by students. Although my heart would flutter being in his presence, I only admired from afar. (yet in retrospect he flirted with me, by painting my toes while everyone was fulfilling school-yard maintenance tasks after graduation and before leaving whence we came. He called me only a couple months after graduation that he was coming to Maine to photograph the 18th century fort I'd made prints of (from roll film to finished print) while in school.

Very upfront with my husband, I spent the day showing my instructor around. We had pizza before he left for Massachusetts again, and he said he planned to return in the fall to do more photographing. I knew I wanted to be living on my own by then. And that leads me to do more damage to my family, especially to my husband. I told him I had to move out because I needed to become better at life, so I could be a better wife bla, bla. He basically supported me and even paid the rent, because I had our two children living with me. I had planned to free lance my photography skills when I could.

I got zero support from my husband that would allow me to work. His anger and hurt was greater than what appeared to be love for his children. Things continued down a destructive path.

It was suggested to me, by the gentleman showing me the first apartment, to read the book for adult children of alcoholics, in the summer of 1988. The one my cousin JJ just read (see blog http://checkingmymotives.blogspot.com/ ). So as you may see, my new found courage was completely misguided because I wasn't listening to anything other than what I knew and believed. This book had to have mentioned some higher power, yet I was still who I was.

Only a few short months later, my car (with me and my 3 &5 yr old children), hit black ice only miles from our home 12 miles down a peninsula in Maine. We were on our way to Massachusetts to visit who became my new love: my commercial photography instructor.

I believe this takes us back around to the start of my second chance in life. This leads to my grandmother, Moy, telling me how my life was saved. This left me with the incredible feeling that this is the higher power or great mystery I've never even considered could exist.

This leads to another 20 hour story, once called Raven Ravine, which is coming to life in Ever Clever Times thanks to JJ and her breathing lessons, and thanks to Miss Queen, the new friend who told me she prefers to live her life by example and how that lead to an even deeper and more thorough awareness into awareness ~ oh man, Dominos . .

More for another day. Fare well and a hui ho, LL