2011 is nearly over now!

Where have I been? Hiding from myself, playing, doing a little volunteering, living, realizing . . .

So much has evolved it's difficult to back track at this time. First off: I decided to be more truthful with myself about writing daily. On one hand, I think I can, I will, I have to if I'm committed. Well guess what, my lifestyle and who I really am doesn't turn on the computer daily, so with the pressure off me I may do a more serious job here.

I'm in the process of walking more and more of my talk. My awareness of my own personal "feeling of joy" or happiness is increasing because I've made myself aware of the feeling. I'm practicing feeling it and being conscious of it happening more and more as the days pass.

My mom and I talked, the other day, about our tendencies to rush, have expectations, or not think things through methodically and how it effects our lives. We're going to talk on the phone with the demeanor we're each striving for. I'm excited about this evolution.

Fare well and a hui ho, LL

Day 16 ~ 11/3/11

Happy Birthday to my brother today.

Perhaps "my story" doesn't really matter after coming full circle in life and now seeing where I am, who I am, who I'm becoming, who I'm loving more and more as I feel the warmth of the love I'm learning to receive with grace.

For the record I'd like to tell you how a tiny, unbelievable "miracle" happened on 11/1/11, which is an auspicious date anyway. I'd just gotten out of the doctor's office and took a regrouping time on the bus bench along the busiest street approaching Munjoy Hill. My mate and I left and went about 4 city blocks in a zig-zag towards my place. I suddenly becamse very flustered about the sudden awareness that I didn't have my purse. I babbled and took off at my best hurried pace.
** 23 yrs ago, after accident, I couldn't even hurry to answer a ringing phone for nearly a couple yrs, so I'm doin' great considering I used to be a moderate runner.

Anyway, to my utter shock my bag is sitting right there untouched!!! Believe me; that is a prime and constantly used seat for a variety of people not to mention the constant stream of traffic at the traffic light.

You can imagine I was blown away and actually "throwing kisses" of thanks!

Fare well (verb, adjective), a hui ho, LL

Day 9 ~ 10/27/11

Twice this morning I've started to write my story I started 6 years ago as a book I planned to name "Raven Ravine". Twice I deleted everything knowing it's going to be a huge challenge to put into words, while being succinct enough to do it in a blog.

I'm not going to begin this morning; I've got to give thought to how I'm going to do this. All of it has lead me to where I am, and how the true nature of me is here to stay.

A note before I write anything is that on 12 January, 1989 I sustained a severe traumatic brain injury after my car hit black ice, spun and landed upside down in the woods a few miles from home. I was unresponsive and the 4 windows and doors were smashed and wouldn't open. My life was literally saved by my 3 and 5 year old children who climbed out the hole in the back window and went for help.

Two months later I was released from the hospital, taken to MA to live with my mother and step-father where I had another 5 months of out-patient therapy.

I'll stop today and just hope I can be clever enough to pull this off.

Fare well and a hui ho, LL

Day 8 ~ 10/26/11

With all the little projects to begin today, I know I've got to have the personal determination to continue to see my life move forward. I'm lacking the motivation this morning. But I keep remembering the vivid dream I had in the wee hours today. If nothing more it confirms, to me, in a positive feeling, to just keep facing my fears and my future days will be comforting. Sometimes we need that.

I rarely recall dreams and when I do I pay attention. I started to awaken to the necessary transformation in who I am back in the late spring of 2003. That's another 10, 20, 30 hour story for another time. But my life began making a complete about-face from what I'd always believed would be my future.

That turn had been a difficult, and often emotionally painful and lonely process. I learned to face who I am and the major errors in judgment I wouldn't let go of. After steadfastly chasing illusions in my heart for half a decade, I knew it would be in my best interest to let go and move on.

I'll save the rest of the story for another time. I've learned so much.

Fare well and a hui ho, LL

Days 6 & 7 ~ 10/25/11

I almost made the worst error in judgment until I spoke with my younger sister in the Berkshires last night.

She helped me "flip-it-over" to see another perspective on a major decision I'd recently made. I'm having issues with receiving love and giving my love to my two grown children. Not even worth getting into as the bottom line is it happens in everyone's life, just with different details. Perhaps these chance connections with people are a part of the unfathomable mystery I often speak of. Is this a way to feel your deepest intentions, do what you can, and in the letting go of details you can't control or plan, things work out in mysterious ways (such as a timely phone call)?

All I do know is that in the present I will continue to listen to my heart (my deepest intentions) in my quiet times of silence, love, acceptance and patience.

I've still gotta deal with me being who I am and adjusting my attitudes and actions as things happen in my life. And I'm learning not to continually beat myself up for not being perfect as I do strive to become more each day.

Fare well and a hui ho, LL

Days Four and Five ~ 10/23/11

"Silence, love, acceptance, and patience". That is my new motivator to keep on track with what I truly desire. Silence or being with ourselves in our own quite time is one of the most important opportunities to help us help ourselves find balance or peace with the multitude of situations that arise throughout our existence. It;s better than a slap-in-the-face we'll get otherwise. (see a week earlier).

Yesterday on Great Diamond Island I found myself alone in a situation I helped create, as much as I don't want to admit it. I passed through several dimensions of denial, anger, loss of peace, and on to seeing myself. Pretty immediately, I chose to feel the peace I feel when I know, without a doubt, I'm following my heart: what I ultimately want with a release of knowing how it's going to work out, yet doing all I can, which is often simply an attitude change . I chose to enjoy my solitude, and I literally kept putting one foot in front of the other as I let instinct carry the direction I chose at crossroads, forks, or where to rest over after a couple hours covering the areas of the island.

Before 10-15 minutes more, it worked out and there was my mate. We're committed in getting through life, together, with continual evolution in the right direction. That's a mouthful, but after all my years of discontent, that's exactly who I met 5 seasons ago. Which works perfectly with where I am in personal awareness these days.

Fare well and a hui ho, LL

Day three ~

I ask myself if I can attract with qualities I wish to possess in my growth to love and be loved. Everyday that's my desire, and I also see/feel how I hold it from me, and yet I can feel the victim I know doesn't exist!! If I follow my heart, my faith will grow, and the love I so want is right before me ready to receive me . .

I've taken my greatest leap-of-faith in myself not to "judge a book by its cover",keep following my silent heart as I create my reality I will face.

Tomorrow my mate and I return to Great Diamond Island to explore another area (hopefully isolated, public woods). The ferry ride over is enjoyable first thing in the morning. We love it.

My timer is literally ringing! A hui ho, LL

Day two for real ~

This morning I started another new book to open my awareness further with the words of "my current teacher", whose name follows all those with ever-increasing in-depth wisdom.

So ever clever as I am; I will create "this", which is a step-in-the-right direction for my heart, my nature, and I want my Mom to continue to know how truly fulfilled I am.

The steps to start this project of love elude me, and that unnerves me to the point of doing nothing. Okay, I'm gonna put the desire to create this into a feeling within my heart, take every necessary step I can to find what I need to create this project, then to allow myself to feel the peace I'll feel when I delegate the rest to great mystery in my life.

Sounds simple enough because I've heard it hundred's of times before. But never have I been stopped in my tracks with the literal "vision" I saw in my mind, or the inspiration I felt to do all I can do, face it, and release the pressure with a feeling of faith, I'm determined to say, in the fact that the great mystery can move and arrange in unfathomable ways.

Well, I leave "you" again to continue on a path of discovery in relation to what is happening in my life. Like my little, red car is ready for me to walk up and over the east end hill of Portland, Maine to bring home again.

Fare well . . LL

The journey of a lifetime.

We'll see if I can finally do something I say I'll do. It's been pointed out to me, with love, how I quit just about everything (that could positively affect my life) that I say I'm going to do. I originally started this blog after my daughter made the suggestion nearly two years ago. My wish is to see Ever Clever Times be my way of walking my talk. Being "accountable" in cyberspace has got to be similar to just being accountable to ourselves with the faith that everything happens just as it's meant to for the highest good for all concerned. But it ain't gonna happen on its own; so it starts with me.

What is my talk? To live the life I now have with the purpose of accepting love as it exists in MY little world. I've never felt I had a purpose. Honestly, I'd say I've resisted most of my life thinking there had to be more. More of WHAT?!

Since a near fatal car accident in l989, I've spent thousands of hours contemplating the greatest mystery of my life: is there really anything affecting the destiny of our lives besides ourselves? FYI: I never believed in anything like "God" until my grandmother, Moy, told me how my life was saved.

Will the purpose of this blog become clarity in my faith of something I can't explain?

A S.L.A.P. to wake us up!

S ~ Silence
L ~ Love
A ~ Acceptance
P ~ Patience

This "popped in my head" about a week ago when I was able to honestly look at what was happening in my life. I got what I call a slap-in-the-face to wake me up to what reality is rather than what I want. I was actually driving my children away with forcing my love on them. I am so sad, but I now understand. If I DIDN'T have the children I do have, my awakening would have been a different process of whatever does or does not wake us up; it's up to us.

Over the last nearly 8 years I avoided what was being said, but chose, I guess, not to hear!!!! I've made a real ass out of myself. You'd think I'd finally get it, but loosing my children was the last straw. That all lead to this new direction of Ever Clever Times a few days ago.

I see I chose "Clive" as my signature name before spring and I see it remains . Now it's almost autumn and I can't remember what was the big revelation with Clive then as I intended to keep my identity elusive, but I've recently told you I'm a woman and a mother, so there it is. Another huge player in my game of life is my first grandbaby who lives less than 6 miles from me and is going to be a year mid-November.

Until next time!

Day two of turning the corner

I"ll keep my part short as I received this clever email this morning after an honored day with my oldest friend in Maine who embodies clever with his like-minded sister.

Anyway, the clever email. I'm not political, but I do respond to clever.

EMPLOYEE NOTICE:

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the current Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 55 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS(Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Today in our little world . .

I'm restarting my journey of walking my talk. Doing it as best I can (breathe deep girl it's alright). I look back and wonder how I'm right here; now again!? Ahhhh........ Wanting to restart this blog, I find out it's all still listed in cyberspace. Whatever. There's no hiding in cyberspace.

Oh, I'm clever alright. I smile to myself as I know I'm "opening my kimono", as one older friend once shared many moons ago). I ain't no phoney. No more I say. Something changes today. I've got to write. One day, I do hope my words will be heard as good wisom . . (I suppose all wisdom is good when I think about that).

Unfortunately, I know I've got to keep it short and sweet. Here I am. And in my little world (thanks Bob Ross) I've got a friend, myself, and knowing the world's eyes or my own inner eyes I suppose, are holding me accountable, in my heart, I'll finally write as often as I can, so I can stop this endless wandering in the infinite emptiness of the greatest mystery in life. A hui ho . .

First Things First

Just yesterday I hesitated, smiled, and suddenly the word, clever, resonated with who I am. When I looked up the actual definition, instantly. the spark to ignite my creativity came to life somehow.

I'll tell you why I love the word clever. It's an adjective and it describes what I believe are the highest human qualities of our body, mind and spirit that enable us to live with joy. I admire all the qualities such as quick mind, witty, original in character, inventive, and adroit to name a few. In other words, anyone can be clever; it has no boundaries of any kind.

I even told my mate that I want to name my next dog Clever. Perhaps that best suits a male dog, which may seem limiting, but think of this: One day, after living in Hawaii for nearly ten years, we decided the time was right to finally get a dog. We lived at 3.200' on eighteen acres on the side of the dormant volcano, Haleakala on Maui. We worked alone in the isolated fields where we grew and harvested salad greens. With so many important details omitted from a ten hour story, I will tell you it all apparently added up to we were meant to rescue this beautiful, sweet, black puppy at this time. It happened to be male, which I really didn't want and especially a puppy. So when it's meant to be, it's meant to be. This incredible puppy lived for four and a third beautiful years before his life ended one horrible day shortly after the turn of the new millenium. My growth in my inner awareness took off like a shot twelve days after our daughter graduated from high school many months later. My life started to change dramatically and drastically. And here I am ~ somehow alive and well again.

I'd like to keep my blogs short, and hopefully sweet, so I'll end this one and allow the flow of creative energy to move me into action.

Now, I've got to "research" how to get this blog noticed and recognized. If YOU happen upon this someday and you want to hear more, just write me and I'll take things as they come into my bubble of awareness. Well, it's Aloha Friday here in my heart (and literally) so I will exit until next time.

Clive in Portland, Maine, 18 March, 2011