Whoa Buckshot ~

What's happening? I must process this in writing to hope to find my wisdom flowing within my Self. And I'm not going to expect my son will ever have the fortitude to attempt to read the couple posts I felt compelled to share, by giving him the name of this blog. No matter: I'll write free of judgment ~  this is mine ~

It's his life, my daughter and her growing family have their lives, each of us have very individual lives (yet connected lives simply through unconditional love). And unfortunately this is an extremely difficult mindset to sustain once one has the "ah ha" moment, let alone for most people to even be aware of when they're just going through life.

I'm more than enough aware that I could appear "so needy" of involvement with my children's lives (impatiently wanting the connection of unconditional love with my grandbabies with my children), and how I may appear to still be pushing. I've got to be satisfied with a few hours maybe once a week. My goodness I just realized that IS enough for a family where outside love is difficult to receive. They know I'd love to be invited over for coffee some time over the weekends when my son stays with his sister.

Either that or I perceive/feel far more than is good for my own good? I'm gonna explain ~ Sunday, I'd been out washing a tent in a laundry, meeting an older couple who arranged to meet me to give me my apron I left at my soup kitchen Friday, delivered stale bread to my good friend (for the critters, especially before the inevitable rain from hurricane Sandy).

I got home to a heart-warming phone message from my daughter's phone (my two G-babies saying good morning 45 mins earlier). I heard my 3 mth old grandson begin to smile and coo (and no, I know it wasn't "to" me), then my almost 2 yr old grandaughter said, "Morning LaLa", I was at the pinnacle of my happiness.

I guess I should have left "good enough" alone, but no. LaLa has to call them back. Not a good move I guess. My daughter is finding her comfort in sharing her Self with me (going to be at dad's, helping sibling today...). Is this how I always seem to over-do my enthusiasm about "moving ahead" in life? I wanted to ask ahead if my idea was gonna work for the following day.

A couple days ago I'd thought how it would make things smell and "feel" good when my daughter brings her two children to my tiny apartment for the first time. Since we talked about a possible Mon or Tue, I hoped perhaps this week. I already told my daughter I want to be the one to carry and be with my grandaughter one-on-one when she first enters my home. (I will not risk having any strange vibes, including body language, subconsciously passed on). Takes far too long to undo first encounters. 

I want her to feel the magic of stillness and peace amidst an eclectic and creatively-alive decor ~ versus it being claustrophobic. I believe the smell of what my grandaughter named "LaLa's crackers" (a specific cookie she obviously liked) would help create a sense of unconditional love.

I can rationalize the above scenario. I'm sure if I just keep looking at me, myself, and I, which I now just have, I will make acceptance my game. Love for who I am, love being the magic pill for all, patience must follow my awareness, and I'm back to joining the flow of my life in peace.

Okay, so now on to my day, and it's already "late" in my eyes.

Fare well and a hui ho, LL