More awareness ~

I must be one of the biggest fools on earth right now. Why? Because I pushed and pushed, and I'll be fortunate if I didn't push myself right out of my children's lives. Iyanla would say we've had a "family breakdown".
 
I was feeling I had the power to change the thinking of my children that do not embrace the idea of anything spiritual. I wanted them to. I thought it was the right thing for them. I thought it would help my grandbabies' future lives if they believe. I wanted them to admit-to-themselves there does appear to be some invisible intelligence to "it all". 

But I had to admit my, what ego(?) had me believing I had some ability or power to change their thinking. How humbling.

I failed to use the idea that evolution must happen because of some physically-invisible intelligence (I laughed when I wrote that conundrum). So maybe that will lead to ponder how thoughts are like electricity. And could that lead to the belief that thoughts create future realities ~ yes? Then we ponder the process. See our hearts and minds working in conjunction? 

My not even thought-out plan of how to lovingly start asking questions backfired like a cannon. My daughter (I'm ashamed of myself to say) came to tears because I couldn't let her (them) just be. "It's their lives ~ their way ~

She kindly asked me to leave. Because I acted without listening to what I know to be true, "Back the f' up (see me yelling at myself?) and FEEL/internalize the wisdom of "It's HER life" (I was SO anxious about my grandbabies' futures) ~

I'm now asking myself why I didn't listen to myself. Get it? My invisible self. Why? Even to have said, "I was anxious" is the antithesis of what I "preach" ~

My words over the last 24 years, have evolved and changed and I'm learning to tone down my personality (created by age 3 they say). I try as hard as I can. And I literally get pissed at myself. I'm changing as I write this. I'm internalizing my own self. I'm owning myself. I'm the one responsible for my spirit "self". 

I never had to take total responsibility for my total self before the age of 48 and several marriages after. Oh what a painful and traumatic time; it should have been a joy to learn to do this, but I was emotionally wounded. I shoulda been ready to "do it" after K-12 school. But I was too afraid and followed my older sister to more school (because "that's the only way to get ahead" or what's in this world FOR ME thinking ~ and I hated every moment of school except the partying ~ so I just kept my head just above water to get through school.

I am so much more. I know today I've risked loosing her trust completely. It's not worth it to me and I've asked them (in writing early this morning) to trust me I'll NEVER bring anything spiritual up again. And to trust I'll never say anything to their children; they're "theirs" and they're doing a great job with great kids.

I have a belief, now cemented within me, that it's some perfect blend of our freewill AND the physically-invisible intelligence of the mechanics of all living things on this earth that create our realities. I believe our characters are created as a blend of our genes. I believe that character evolves from what we're exposed to. I believe that's where the ability to change comes from the tendencies we're born with (understood by the study of Jyotish, Astrology...). Therefore, I feel pretty confident that we're born with our character.

My cousin's latest blog post (http://checkingmymotive.blogspot.com) got me thinking about all of this, I believe the past and present are the culmination of innate character (which absolutely includes our individual tendencies for making choices) and the emotions created in our upbringing (which I believe blends with our bodies physical health tendencies). I believe by far the majority of our actions stem from our beliefs about ourselves. This is why I place SO much weight on unconditional love for ourselves and the awareness that we each have the invisible intelligence that aligns with love, harmony, giving, truth, sharing, peace and forgiveness.

And "talking" with my cousin JJ, I've thought of the necessary joy for a person to be able to find their "independent" self by at least living alone until they they can do life on their own terms and be okay. Yes, and there's that 20% who are ready after K-12. Always better late than never ~ yea?

Well anyway I'm still learning, refining, learning, refining and living the life I've created as an adult.

Fare well and a hui ho, LL