It took me many months to get myself back to the point of being able to move ahead with my life, and that's when I decided to find a home in an area with bus transportation that would allow me to manage the affairs of re-creating a shattered life. I went to therapy for a couple more years, even ended up (about a year later) asking my (three) kids if I could have their blessing to end my life (because I was still SO lonely and angry). They begged me to see my psychiatrist to get back onto my meds (that I decided I could manage without).
I spent a VERY angry three weeks in another confined psych ward. I was SO angry, my doctor knew she couldn't keep me there, but she was concerned for my well being out alone. The afternoon I was released a friend, I knew from volunteering at another soup kitchen, extended her love to pick me up, drive me for my meds and take me home. I became SO angry over the "screw-up" with the pharmacy and whatever that I practically just screamed, "take me home". It was hours later when I had to walk thru a raging snowstorm, in the black of night, back to the pharmacy and home again.
Once back in the house, and ironically it was New Years Eve, I lay on my couch in the warm ambiance of my home, and felt incredible sorrow for all I done to cause pain to those I loved. I thought of my life in Hawaii and the man I left to suffer the pain of my choices. I asked for forgiveness and a very tiny tear actually slid down my cheek for the first time in decades.
Somehow, I felt renewed the next day. My daughter cautioned me not to expect the feelings to remain. She knew it was gonna be hard work (determination) to "stay the course".
My psychiatrist arranged for me attend another week of all day classes that at least would get me outta the house and onto a schedule of "doing". I attended with a new attitude. I began not to resent the stress, confusion and time required to use the bus. I couldn't believe this simple attitude of gratitude DID work "miracles" for how I perceived my life.
But it took continual hard work of doing exactly what I didn't want to have to do (such as affirmations that do work with me) to make sure my attitude didn't turn towards self pity again. My children had their separate lives and I knew I HAD to do my best as an example that it can be done ~ BY ME.
Then one day, about 2 yrs later, I knew I had to stay put, exactly where I was, until I knew, in my gut, I was moving again to a place or situation ONLY when or where I'd be "shown" (through circumstances outside my control) where to put MeE for the highest good for all concerned. I HAD to feel the strength of gratitude for what I did have. The essentials for my survival were taken care of and I HAD to learn to give of myself, be myself, live without fear of judgment of any kind, and to see the good surrounding me.
I stuck with it. I made progress. On my 53rd birthday I actually left my home dressed how I felt most comfortable, in a sarong and barefeet. At first I felt very uncomfortable that people were judging me as a "show off"; and I know that comes from my childhood. I literally kept my head high and knew no one cared and IF they did, it didn't matter to my life. I went on a walk near my home that I never did because I resisted I lived in the city and I couldn't "be me" there. Bullshit.
There was nature right in front of me if I stuck to the edge overlooking the ocean (I live across the street from a large public park area where I could have walked in the many months past). I could be me: an outdoor nature lover that can see and hear birds or maybe see a critter, hear the wind, see the clouds . . My tiny world opened to me as I slowly became more and more comfortable with myself. Because of my abilities, I still remained very close to home because I could get back in one piece.
A couple years more and I was certain I wouldn't move again until I "knew" it was the right thing because I'd been shown by the circumstances surrounding the life I live with gratitude for what is. And here I am today.
I have greater awareness and acceptance. I have come to know this power of something greater than me alone, because it comes from within within me in an energy that can't be explained. But only realized once we surrender our WILL of how we want our lives to be in conjunction with our very nature to survive.
Well I'm a bit overwhelmed right now and I must say fare well and a hui ho, LL
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