Friday, June 13th, 2008 was the day I couldn't continue to face the life I was living; I felt total helplessness; although that was not logical. Perhaps it is a form of surrendering, yet we take our "will" into our own hands and attempt to end it ourselves. Many succeed and I can't fathom why some do and some don't.
I did think about it ~ seriously. The day before I'd started to write a letter to my kids. It turned into twelve pages and I basically threw up my hands in disgust. I'd gone as far as to lay on the shed floor with a bread knife (being the only sharp knife I had) over my veins poised to just do it, but I couldn't.
Days earlier, when talking with my mom to tell her what I was feeling (again), my son called and I even said to my mom it musta been a sign not to kill myself. She certainly agreed, said to get to a doctor bla bla. I did.
Friday morning I woke with the same old feeling of dread. Somehow being Friday the 13th, and my birthday being next Friday, it being Aloha Friday, the whole bit, it seemed auspicious somehow, I had a strong bottle of anti-depressants (and I remember the doc asking if I'd do anything stupid bla bla), I had a six-pack of beers, I had the bread knife and I certainly had the gall. To hear myself saying this now, I sound like I was a selfish, arrogant human being. I'm thankful for the chance to live further to amend my ways that I was completely blind to. I was a good person, but I hated what my life had turned into. Too long of a story, which is really irrelevant in the bigger picture anyway.
The bottom line is that the moment I opened my eyes I decided this was the day. I certainly didn't want to be another story like the two women who lived in the apartments above mine, who each had multiple attempts to end their miserable lives. Ironic I'd be living exactly where I was at that exact moment in my life, I made sure I had backup plans ~ electrocution in the tub after I swallow the bottle of pills and wash it down with a pitcher of beer, then slice those big veins running in the crook of my arm.
I fill the tub, get in dressed, take the pills, pick up the knife, hesitate and think, 'Well ya already swallowed all the pills", and slash, slash, slash. Lots of blood, breathing hard and fast, heart pounding, no thought of anything other than dieing. I drop the electrical line connected to the bathroom wall, sizzle, buzz, nothing other than that.
A bit later I know I heaved one humungous time and everything in my stomach came up. I painfully rubbed my veins to burst the tiny speck of a spray of blood that seemed to be coagulating. I was light headed, in pain both physically and already emotionally dead inside. The tub was now dark with blood and feces.
Nothing was working and I was cold. Somehow I managed to painfully drain the tub, rinse off (even the shower walls, for my brother's sake) and refill the tub. There was all kinds of crap hanging out of the deep wounds on both arms, but I was determined to die. I made many failed attempts to inhale water, as much as I believed I wanted to. I was desperate to end the pain of my life.
Today, I need to admit to the most incredibly thoughtless, horrible, stupid, absolute lack of any faith or hope type scenario I created. Suicide. I believed my life would never be anything other than loneliness, helplessness, or utter unhappiness. I never gave a thought to the ones left behind. I never considered any of it. I was unable to.
Friday night, my brother felt I should let my daughter know; not him, but he'd call her to call me.
Oh my "God", I told her I tried to kill myself and her instant reaction was to cry. I couldn't believe it. Why couldn't I believe it? I don't know, or I didn't then, but I do now ~ she felt such sorrow I could have felt so desperate and she truly loved me.
My son, my daughter and my son-too (her husband) organized their lives and dropped everything for ME. There was no hesitation; although it was a major financial burden and loss of time at their work. Within two or three days they were all with me in the psych ward in Maryland and planned to stay with my brother for several days. They were there a week.
It wasn't my time yet in 1989 when my two young children, almost 4 & 6 at the time, literally saved my life by having the where-with-all to go for help and leave their unresponsive mother, by getting through the only exit in a bent & bashed up car (a small hole in the rear window), my son remembering a house on his kindergarten school bus root, getting out of the woods and getting help. By the time the ambulance arrived, I was not breathing.
This time in 2008, just by this incredible action of unconditional love and sheer determination (all 3 young adults dropped everything in their lives as they knew it) my life began again. My son had flown and driven many hours from Florida and my daughter & husband drove over ten ours from Maine.
They came to see me (I literally hadn't seen my son face-to-face in a few years), we all connected wonderfully considering, they planned to packed my apartment, rent a truck, knowing they assumed all financial responsibility and I returned to Maine to live with my daughter & husband). My son bought me a device for us to do live video chatting (the inexpensive way) to reconnect our lives by at least seeing each other with technology today. The next best thing.
My life slowly continued to change in unexpected ways. It took several more painful years, but my stubborn ass refused to change patterns of total unawareness to reality. But many of us don't begin to get it until we hit rock bottom more than once and it comes to die or live with unconditional love for our Selves with no anger! And our selves also houses (in our earthly bodies) a power to unfathomably and brilliantly able to organize the opportunities or coincidences for experiences, direct us often with "signs" of the truth IF we are aware with all the "magic of a God". It's a mystery to me I don't need explained scientifically or proven with a burning bush as my cousin said in her reaction to "Peter's Story". JJ writes a powerful blog herself and it's fantastic where we're each taking our awareness on life and healing. Her blog is http://checkingmymotives.blogspot.com And if that don't run to a live link I'm sorry. I don't understand why.
Time to end this. I can't believe that I just wrote this "in public" so to speak. But it's obviously necessary for my evolution. I'm sure things are written exactly as one believes. But I've found I can spend hours on hours worrying about it and editing till I'm frustrated with myself.
So again, I say fare well and a hui ho, LL
please, please see my blog.........
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