Not only have I connected with my cousin, JJ and miraculously found and read her blog: http://checkingmymotives.blogspot.com but her youngest and only male sibling, "The Oldest" called me last night at a time I'd normally NEVER even check to see who called (unless . .); let alone even answer live. Oh man, that's proof enough for me that "it was meant to happen we'd talk last night".
Meant to be because every aspect within me was right and I was where I was when the phone rang, and JJ had told her brother he'd never get me at night (which is 99% accurate and 1% opportunity I guess) and he called anyway and we spoke for a good 90+ minutes.
He is the youngest of three female siblings and two weeks older than my youngest and only male sibling. Last night we laughed about the fact that between my brother and himself he IS the oldest. I suppose that was an issue between the boys" when our paths did cross when we were young.
We talked about perceptions, tragedies in life (within the last year he has lost his son to death and within a year, his wife to divorce), bonds and affection between immediate family. Again, my cousins are children of my father's youngest and only sibling. We all basically grew up entirely differently, yet with emotional scars that are identical enough to open my awareness into life even more. I was shocked to learn that this cousin I spoke with last night has memories of saying his prayers, with our grandmother, before bed. I believed there was zero mention of "God" within my father's growing up time.
Now I'm baffled again and for certain I'll never be able to discuss any of this with my father. My father is the oldest and only living person we all know of it appears, in our immediate "bloodline" as relatives. Kinda mind baffling to imagine how blood mixes, mixes, mixes for eternity, and what that truly means. DNA fascinates me.
All I know, at this time in my life, is that in my gut I feel something almost magical about the fact we're all "one". I've been sensing the oneness in ways I can't succinctly describe. It's simply more of a new awareness, in our minds, that we acknowledge to "our hearts" and we feel something magical inside,
I can only say you can imagine it as best you can, and you may feel "it" too in a fashion unique to you. When I began to realize, so intensely, how each and every person's mind and body energy interacts to create situations where it's always possible to "see" your self" (good, bad, indifferent) and how everything culminates from our thoughts, beliefs, actions, whatever. For me it's an extremely humbling experience.
As I wrote about my beliefs, a humbling experience can be profoundly pleasant when you're aware the path leads towards unconditional love and harmony. Enough said. Again we know when we know. We're each ready to receive (the good out here) in our own time. Can't be forced as we all know ya can lead a horse to water, but ya can't make it drink.
Recovery or healing ourselves begins as a mere thought or growing feeling within us that "we're all done" with the pain and dramas we've experienced. We each have "me, myself, and I" with us at all times. Somewhere in there is this God-like energy surrounding everything and in everything ~ including us ~ we are our own best company, companion, mate, or best friend (because when we get mad it's only at ourselves). Does this feel like it makes sense to you?
I can tell this is the best place to stop before I get overwhelmed with all I feel. It's Friday and I have good work ahead of me, so will say a quick good morning to JJ in email, and say fare well and a hui ho here, LL
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Acknowledging our awareness of "our stuff"
I'm such a neophyte when it comes to my growing awareness of the mechanics of life ~ until I'm humbled again in my learning of how things work.
A woman I highly admire and author of the last book, I read, to be the catalyst by bring my "self" to a greater awareness of who I'm defining in my re-fine-ing or refining of behavior. Wow, kinda a mouthful to get out. Iyanla Vanzant is the author I relatively recently became aware of, and ironically her new program on TV is to help us realize the steps to heal our own life and family. Yes, I'm gonna promote this program because it's such an absolute necessity for us humans here on earth. It airs on the "OWN" network and the program is "Iyanla: fix my life" and around here it airs Sunday night at 10 pm. I'm glad I can record it.
Her initial program helped me realize there is a step after awareness. Awareness alone is NOT enough to make lasting change. We easily say things like, "I know, I'm sure, or you're right, bla bla" We can "say" we accept this new awareness, but until we can actually face the fact that possibly we're lie-ing to ourselves about our role, the negative situation will continue. It's SO humbling, to the point of tears sometimes, that we emotionally feel the impact of admitting or acknowledging our role in a situation, we had zero idea was "wrong", that slowly manifests a breakdown or fracture in our relationships.
It's always about facing our "selves", feeling the truth, hearing the truth, embracing the truth, and knowing love of self grows each time we meet another challenge and can "stay the course". But if we lie to ourselves, in any way, about our role in something, anything, it's gonna be nothing more than a bandaid just to have the awareness. Because the bandaid is eventually gonna fall off and expose the wound again.
Facing ourselves is like washing the windows in our house (our soul, our spirit, our "self"), until we can see enough to realize more of who we truly are. Can you see that those around us are like individual tiny mirrors that reflect the good, the bad, and the ugly in experience in our lives, because the mechanics of life and the law of attraction go hand-in-hand. Look around you to prove this to yourself. Only we can learn to set boundaries for ourselves, and who or what we choose to allow to affect our lives.
Unfortunately I must go for today. In the meantime I'll figure where I'm going with what I write.
Fare well and a hui ho, LL
A woman I highly admire and author of the last book, I read, to be the catalyst by bring my "self" to a greater awareness of who I'm defining in my re-fine-ing or refining of behavior. Wow, kinda a mouthful to get out. Iyanla Vanzant is the author I relatively recently became aware of, and ironically her new program on TV is to help us realize the steps to heal our own life and family. Yes, I'm gonna promote this program because it's such an absolute necessity for us humans here on earth. It airs on the "OWN" network and the program is "Iyanla: fix my life" and around here it airs Sunday night at 10 pm. I'm glad I can record it.
Her initial program helped me realize there is a step after awareness. Awareness alone is NOT enough to make lasting change. We easily say things like, "I know, I'm sure, or you're right, bla bla" We can "say" we accept this new awareness, but until we can actually face the fact that possibly we're lie-ing to ourselves about our role, the negative situation will continue. It's SO humbling, to the point of tears sometimes, that we emotionally feel the impact of admitting or acknowledging our role in a situation, we had zero idea was "wrong", that slowly manifests a breakdown or fracture in our relationships.
It's always about facing our "selves", feeling the truth, hearing the truth, embracing the truth, and knowing love of self grows each time we meet another challenge and can "stay the course". But if we lie to ourselves, in any way, about our role in something, anything, it's gonna be nothing more than a bandaid just to have the awareness. Because the bandaid is eventually gonna fall off and expose the wound again.
Facing ourselves is like washing the windows in our house (our soul, our spirit, our "self"), until we can see enough to realize more of who we truly are. Can you see that those around us are like individual tiny mirrors that reflect the good, the bad, and the ugly in experience in our lives, because the mechanics of life and the law of attraction go hand-in-hand. Look around you to prove this to yourself. Only we can learn to set boundaries for ourselves, and who or what we choose to allow to affect our lives.
Unfortunately I must go for today. In the meantime I'll figure where I'm going with what I write.
Fare well and a hui ho, LL
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
I had to start over, and even over again ~
It took me many months to get myself back to the point of being able to move ahead with my life, and that's when I decided to find a home in an area with bus transportation that would allow me to manage the affairs of re-creating a shattered life. I went to therapy for a couple more years, even ended up (about a year later) asking my (three) kids if I could have their blessing to end my life (because I was still SO lonely and angry). They begged me to see my psychiatrist to get back onto my meds (that I decided I could manage without).
I spent a VERY angry three weeks in another confined psych ward. I was SO angry, my doctor knew she couldn't keep me there, but she was concerned for my well being out alone. The afternoon I was released a friend, I knew from volunteering at another soup kitchen, extended her love to pick me up, drive me for my meds and take me home. I became SO angry over the "screw-up" with the pharmacy and whatever that I practically just screamed, "take me home". It was hours later when I had to walk thru a raging snowstorm, in the black of night, back to the pharmacy and home again.
Once back in the house, and ironically it was New Years Eve, I lay on my couch in the warm ambiance of my home, and felt incredible sorrow for all I done to cause pain to those I loved. I thought of my life in Hawaii and the man I left to suffer the pain of my choices. I asked for forgiveness and a very tiny tear actually slid down my cheek for the first time in decades.
Somehow, I felt renewed the next day. My daughter cautioned me not to expect the feelings to remain. She knew it was gonna be hard work (determination) to "stay the course".
My psychiatrist arranged for me attend another week of all day classes that at least would get me outta the house and onto a schedule of "doing". I attended with a new attitude. I began not to resent the stress, confusion and time required to use the bus. I couldn't believe this simple attitude of gratitude DID work "miracles" for how I perceived my life.
But it took continual hard work of doing exactly what I didn't want to have to do (such as affirmations that do work with me) to make sure my attitude didn't turn towards self pity again. My children had their separate lives and I knew I HAD to do my best as an example that it can be done ~ BY ME.
Then one day, about 2 yrs later, I knew I had to stay put, exactly where I was, until I knew, in my gut, I was moving again to a place or situation ONLY when or where I'd be "shown" (through circumstances outside my control) where to put MeE for the highest good for all concerned. I HAD to feel the strength of gratitude for what I did have. The essentials for my survival were taken care of and I HAD to learn to give of myself, be myself, live without fear of judgment of any kind, and to see the good surrounding me.
I stuck with it. I made progress. On my 53rd birthday I actually left my home dressed how I felt most comfortable, in a sarong and barefeet. At first I felt very uncomfortable that people were judging me as a "show off"; and I know that comes from my childhood. I literally kept my head high and knew no one cared and IF they did, it didn't matter to my life. I went on a walk near my home that I never did because I resisted I lived in the city and I couldn't "be me" there. Bullshit.
There was nature right in front of me if I stuck to the edge overlooking the ocean (I live across the street from a large public park area where I could have walked in the many months past). I could be me: an outdoor nature lover that can see and hear birds or maybe see a critter, hear the wind, see the clouds . . My tiny world opened to me as I slowly became more and more comfortable with myself. Because of my abilities, I still remained very close to home because I could get back in one piece.
A couple years more and I was certain I wouldn't move again until I "knew" it was the right thing because I'd been shown by the circumstances surrounding the life I live with gratitude for what is. And here I am today.
I have greater awareness and acceptance. I have come to know this power of something greater than me alone, because it comes from within within me in an energy that can't be explained. But only realized once we surrender our WILL of how we want our lives to be in conjunction with our very nature to survive.
Well I'm a bit overwhelmed right now and I must say fare well and a hui ho, LL
I spent a VERY angry three weeks in another confined psych ward. I was SO angry, my doctor knew she couldn't keep me there, but she was concerned for my well being out alone. The afternoon I was released a friend, I knew from volunteering at another soup kitchen, extended her love to pick me up, drive me for my meds and take me home. I became SO angry over the "screw-up" with the pharmacy and whatever that I practically just screamed, "take me home". It was hours later when I had to walk thru a raging snowstorm, in the black of night, back to the pharmacy and home again.
Once back in the house, and ironically it was New Years Eve, I lay on my couch in the warm ambiance of my home, and felt incredible sorrow for all I done to cause pain to those I loved. I thought of my life in Hawaii and the man I left to suffer the pain of my choices. I asked for forgiveness and a very tiny tear actually slid down my cheek for the first time in decades.
Somehow, I felt renewed the next day. My daughter cautioned me not to expect the feelings to remain. She knew it was gonna be hard work (determination) to "stay the course".
My psychiatrist arranged for me attend another week of all day classes that at least would get me outta the house and onto a schedule of "doing". I attended with a new attitude. I began not to resent the stress, confusion and time required to use the bus. I couldn't believe this simple attitude of gratitude DID work "miracles" for how I perceived my life.
But it took continual hard work of doing exactly what I didn't want to have to do (such as affirmations that do work with me) to make sure my attitude didn't turn towards self pity again. My children had their separate lives and I knew I HAD to do my best as an example that it can be done ~ BY ME.
Then one day, about 2 yrs later, I knew I had to stay put, exactly where I was, until I knew, in my gut, I was moving again to a place or situation ONLY when or where I'd be "shown" (through circumstances outside my control) where to put MeE for the highest good for all concerned. I HAD to feel the strength of gratitude for what I did have. The essentials for my survival were taken care of and I HAD to learn to give of myself, be myself, live without fear of judgment of any kind, and to see the good surrounding me.
I stuck with it. I made progress. On my 53rd birthday I actually left my home dressed how I felt most comfortable, in a sarong and barefeet. At first I felt very uncomfortable that people were judging me as a "show off"; and I know that comes from my childhood. I literally kept my head high and knew no one cared and IF they did, it didn't matter to my life. I went on a walk near my home that I never did because I resisted I lived in the city and I couldn't "be me" there. Bullshit.
There was nature right in front of me if I stuck to the edge overlooking the ocean (I live across the street from a large public park area where I could have walked in the many months past). I could be me: an outdoor nature lover that can see and hear birds or maybe see a critter, hear the wind, see the clouds . . My tiny world opened to me as I slowly became more and more comfortable with myself. Because of my abilities, I still remained very close to home because I could get back in one piece.
A couple years more and I was certain I wouldn't move again until I "knew" it was the right thing because I'd been shown by the circumstances surrounding the life I live with gratitude for what is. And here I am today.
I have greater awareness and acceptance. I have come to know this power of something greater than me alone, because it comes from within within me in an energy that can't be explained. But only realized once we surrender our WILL of how we want our lives to be in conjunction with our very nature to survive.
Well I'm a bit overwhelmed right now and I must say fare well and a hui ho, LL
Saturday, September 8, 2012
I must start somewhere ~
Friday, June 13th, 2008 was the day I couldn't continue to face the life I was living; I felt total helplessness; although that was not logical. Perhaps it is a form of surrendering, yet we take our "will" into our own hands and attempt to end it ourselves. Many succeed and I can't fathom why some do and some don't.
I did think about it ~ seriously. The day before I'd started to write a letter to my kids. It turned into twelve pages and I basically threw up my hands in disgust. I'd gone as far as to lay on the shed floor with a bread knife (being the only sharp knife I had) over my veins poised to just do it, but I couldn't.
Days earlier, when talking with my mom to tell her what I was feeling (again), my son called and I even said to my mom it musta been a sign not to kill myself. She certainly agreed, said to get to a doctor bla bla. I did.
Friday morning I woke with the same old feeling of dread. Somehow being Friday the 13th, and my birthday being next Friday, it being Aloha Friday, the whole bit, it seemed auspicious somehow, I had a strong bottle of anti-depressants (and I remember the doc asking if I'd do anything stupid bla bla), I had a six-pack of beers, I had the bread knife and I certainly had the gall. To hear myself saying this now, I sound like I was a selfish, arrogant human being. I'm thankful for the chance to live further to amend my ways that I was completely blind to. I was a good person, but I hated what my life had turned into. Too long of a story, which is really irrelevant in the bigger picture anyway.
The bottom line is that the moment I opened my eyes I decided this was the day. I certainly didn't want to be another story like the two women who lived in the apartments above mine, who each had multiple attempts to end their miserable lives. Ironic I'd be living exactly where I was at that exact moment in my life, I made sure I had backup plans ~ electrocution in the tub after I swallow the bottle of pills and wash it down with a pitcher of beer, then slice those big veins running in the crook of my arm.
I fill the tub, get in dressed, take the pills, pick up the knife, hesitate and think, 'Well ya already swallowed all the pills", and slash, slash, slash. Lots of blood, breathing hard and fast, heart pounding, no thought of anything other than dieing. I drop the electrical line connected to the bathroom wall, sizzle, buzz, nothing other than that.
A bit later I know I heaved one humungous time and everything in my stomach came up. I painfully rubbed my veins to burst the tiny speck of a spray of blood that seemed to be coagulating. I was light headed, in pain both physically and already emotionally dead inside. The tub was now dark with blood and feces.
Nothing was working and I was cold. Somehow I managed to painfully drain the tub, rinse off (even the shower walls, for my brother's sake) and refill the tub. There was all kinds of crap hanging out of the deep wounds on both arms, but I was determined to die. I made many failed attempts to inhale water, as much as I believed I wanted to. I was desperate to end the pain of my life.
Today, I need to admit to the most incredibly thoughtless, horrible, stupid, absolute lack of any faith or hope type scenario I created. Suicide. I believed my life would never be anything other than loneliness, helplessness, or utter unhappiness. I never gave a thought to the ones left behind. I never considered any of it. I was unable to.
Friday night, my brother felt I should let my daughter know; not him, but he'd call her to call me.
Oh my "God", I told her I tried to kill myself and her instant reaction was to cry. I couldn't believe it. Why couldn't I believe it? I don't know, or I didn't then, but I do now ~ she felt such sorrow I could have felt so desperate and she truly loved me.
My son, my daughter and my son-too (her husband) organized their lives and dropped everything for ME. There was no hesitation; although it was a major financial burden and loss of time at their work. Within two or three days they were all with me in the psych ward in Maryland and planned to stay with my brother for several days. They were there a week.
It wasn't my time yet in 1989 when my two young children, almost 4 & 6 at the time, literally saved my life by having the where-with-all to go for help and leave their unresponsive mother, by getting through the only exit in a bent & bashed up car (a small hole in the rear window), my son remembering a house on his kindergarten school bus root, getting out of the woods and getting help. By the time the ambulance arrived, I was not breathing.
This time in 2008, just by this incredible action of unconditional love and sheer determination (all 3 young adults dropped everything in their lives as they knew it) my life began again. My son had flown and driven many hours from Florida and my daughter & husband drove over ten ours from Maine.
They came to see me (I literally hadn't seen my son face-to-face in a few years), we all connected wonderfully considering, they planned to packed my apartment, rent a truck, knowing they assumed all financial responsibility and I returned to Maine to live with my daughter & husband). My son bought me a device for us to do live video chatting (the inexpensive way) to reconnect our lives by at least seeing each other with technology today. The next best thing.
My life slowly continued to change in unexpected ways. It took several more painful years, but my stubborn ass refused to change patterns of total unawareness to reality. But many of us don't begin to get it until we hit rock bottom more than once and it comes to die or live with unconditional love for our Selves with no anger! And our selves also houses (in our earthly bodies) a power to unfathomably and brilliantly able to organize the opportunities or coincidences for experiences, direct us often with "signs" of the truth IF we are aware with all the "magic of a God". It's a mystery to me I don't need explained scientifically or proven with a burning bush as my cousin said in her reaction to "Peter's Story". JJ writes a powerful blog herself and it's fantastic where we're each taking our awareness on life and healing. Her blog is http://checkingmymotives.blogspot.com And if that don't run to a live link I'm sorry. I don't understand why.
Time to end this. I can't believe that I just wrote this "in public" so to speak. But it's obviously necessary for my evolution. I'm sure things are written exactly as one believes. But I've found I can spend hours on hours worrying about it and editing till I'm frustrated with myself.
So again, I say fare well and a hui ho, LL
I did think about it ~ seriously. The day before I'd started to write a letter to my kids. It turned into twelve pages and I basically threw up my hands in disgust. I'd gone as far as to lay on the shed floor with a bread knife (being the only sharp knife I had) over my veins poised to just do it, but I couldn't.
Days earlier, when talking with my mom to tell her what I was feeling (again), my son called and I even said to my mom it musta been a sign not to kill myself. She certainly agreed, said to get to a doctor bla bla. I did.
Friday morning I woke with the same old feeling of dread. Somehow being Friday the 13th, and my birthday being next Friday, it being Aloha Friday, the whole bit, it seemed auspicious somehow, I had a strong bottle of anti-depressants (and I remember the doc asking if I'd do anything stupid bla bla), I had a six-pack of beers, I had the bread knife and I certainly had the gall. To hear myself saying this now, I sound like I was a selfish, arrogant human being. I'm thankful for the chance to live further to amend my ways that I was completely blind to. I was a good person, but I hated what my life had turned into. Too long of a story, which is really irrelevant in the bigger picture anyway.
The bottom line is that the moment I opened my eyes I decided this was the day. I certainly didn't want to be another story like the two women who lived in the apartments above mine, who each had multiple attempts to end their miserable lives. Ironic I'd be living exactly where I was at that exact moment in my life, I made sure I had backup plans ~ electrocution in the tub after I swallow the bottle of pills and wash it down with a pitcher of beer, then slice those big veins running in the crook of my arm.
I fill the tub, get in dressed, take the pills, pick up the knife, hesitate and think, 'Well ya already swallowed all the pills", and slash, slash, slash. Lots of blood, breathing hard and fast, heart pounding, no thought of anything other than dieing. I drop the electrical line connected to the bathroom wall, sizzle, buzz, nothing other than that.
A bit later I know I heaved one humungous time and everything in my stomach came up. I painfully rubbed my veins to burst the tiny speck of a spray of blood that seemed to be coagulating. I was light headed, in pain both physically and already emotionally dead inside. The tub was now dark with blood and feces.
Nothing was working and I was cold. Somehow I managed to painfully drain the tub, rinse off (even the shower walls, for my brother's sake) and refill the tub. There was all kinds of crap hanging out of the deep wounds on both arms, but I was determined to die. I made many failed attempts to inhale water, as much as I believed I wanted to. I was desperate to end the pain of my life.
Today, I need to admit to the most incredibly thoughtless, horrible, stupid, absolute lack of any faith or hope type scenario I created. Suicide. I believed my life would never be anything other than loneliness, helplessness, or utter unhappiness. I never gave a thought to the ones left behind. I never considered any of it. I was unable to.
Friday night, my brother felt I should let my daughter know; not him, but he'd call her to call me.
Oh my "God", I told her I tried to kill myself and her instant reaction was to cry. I couldn't believe it. Why couldn't I believe it? I don't know, or I didn't then, but I do now ~ she felt such sorrow I could have felt so desperate and she truly loved me.
My son, my daughter and my son-too (her husband) organized their lives and dropped everything for ME. There was no hesitation; although it was a major financial burden and loss of time at their work. Within two or three days they were all with me in the psych ward in Maryland and planned to stay with my brother for several days. They were there a week.
It wasn't my time yet in 1989 when my two young children, almost 4 & 6 at the time, literally saved my life by having the where-with-all to go for help and leave their unresponsive mother, by getting through the only exit in a bent & bashed up car (a small hole in the rear window), my son remembering a house on his kindergarten school bus root, getting out of the woods and getting help. By the time the ambulance arrived, I was not breathing.
This time in 2008, just by this incredible action of unconditional love and sheer determination (all 3 young adults dropped everything in their lives as they knew it) my life began again. My son had flown and driven many hours from Florida and my daughter & husband drove over ten ours from Maine.
They came to see me (I literally hadn't seen my son face-to-face in a few years), we all connected wonderfully considering, they planned to packed my apartment, rent a truck, knowing they assumed all financial responsibility and I returned to Maine to live with my daughter & husband). My son bought me a device for us to do live video chatting (the inexpensive way) to reconnect our lives by at least seeing each other with technology today. The next best thing.
My life slowly continued to change in unexpected ways. It took several more painful years, but my stubborn ass refused to change patterns of total unawareness to reality. But many of us don't begin to get it until we hit rock bottom more than once and it comes to die or live with unconditional love for our Selves with no anger! And our selves also houses (in our earthly bodies) a power to unfathomably and brilliantly able to organize the opportunities or coincidences for experiences, direct us often with "signs" of the truth IF we are aware with all the "magic of a God". It's a mystery to me I don't need explained scientifically or proven with a burning bush as my cousin said in her reaction to "Peter's Story". JJ writes a powerful blog herself and it's fantastic where we're each taking our awareness on life and healing. Her blog is http://checkingmymotives.blogspot.com And if that don't run to a live link I'm sorry. I don't understand why.
Time to end this. I can't believe that I just wrote this "in public" so to speak. But it's obviously necessary for my evolution. I'm sure things are written exactly as one believes. But I've found I can spend hours on hours worrying about it and editing till I'm frustrated with myself.
So again, I say fare well and a hui ho, LL
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Being humble is most important ~
I instantly took a deep breathe. I've been "processing" (in my silence alone with "Mee") as my awareness deepens into the mechanics of our lives. Yesterday, I spent a couple wonderful hours walking to a place to talk in comfort and even have a cup of coffee before a free meal. It was all so perfect.
Peter (the young man who lost his entire family in an instant 18 months earlier) took me to a church that does a lunch one afternoon a week and dinner one nite a week. It was such a wonderful experience with table cloths, flowers, 3 pieces of utensils on a napkin, condiments, and we each went up to be served an incredible spread, drinks and just a very pleasant atmosphere. I saw mostly new faces. It was deeper into town and yesterday was half empty, I guess the rain.
It was quite a good thing I'd arrived at "my" soup kitchen 10 minutes before I knew they served and this gentleman, Peter, was readying to leave because he chose to eat further into town.
My point being I could have missed running into Peter if I hadn't had a strong intention to meet up with him. And it had started to rain and it wasn't expected, but I was dressed either way.
I want to give you the details I have, and I know I can't do it now, and I'm a bit frustrated. But if I'm to go with the flow of my life, I can't let this upset me and I'll just keep on.
My daughter just called and we were able to talk a good twenty minutes, and I spoke with my 92 y.o. friend, Rosemary about today. I've got so much to accomplish before I can spend any more time writing.
And the barn has to wait another week. To be con't . .
I'm gonna jump right in. The finer details I couldn't give before are these. Peter had stayed home in Massachusetts while his wife, and two daughters, around the age of 8 had gone to Texas for a holiday and to visit, I believe part of her family. Peter was actually blessed to have had a wonderful exchange of loving conversation with each one of them on the phone just after they'd visited some "sea-world" show. He was genuinely calm and totally present in conversation with me when he shared this information, yet I did see his eyes coated with tears.
Only a short time later while he was in the backyard the phone rang. He was told they'd all been killed. I will give you what I can remember about Peter before this life-changing call. Peter was raised with the Christian beliefs about "God". He was a good man with a good family, with financial means as was his wife's family. They had an "opulent" (remember it's all relative) home, worked hard, loved each other to the fullest and they were "happy".
As I'd said, Peter went off the deep end and couldn't swim. Funny, he told me he felt like he was drowning, and that must have been what I remembered the first time I tried to relate his story.
He said he lost all FAITH. He was very angry with "God", he couldn't make sense of WHY this could happen to them all.
I'm still confused on the exact sequence of events, and I reviewed the bits and pieces I was able to write down as he told me. All I know for certain is that he completely dropped from life. He didn't speak to anyone (including his family), he quit a job he'd had for 17 years, withdrew his money and took off. He was so consumed with sorrow and anger he couldn't have done anything differently.
Yet somewhere in this incredible story, obviously before he took off, he continued to work on his girls clubhouse he had been working on when the call came. He'd been doing electrical work and for whatever reason all the circuits had been open. The bottom line is the house completely burned down. An arson investigation cleared him of any wrong doing. He'd also told me he now knows he'll be receiving $5,000,000 from insurance. I sensed his bewilderment as he spoke in earnest. No need to write all that.
He told me his paternal grandmother was full blooded Cherokee medicine woman. That alone speaks volumes, to me at least, about the incredible "blood" running through his body system. "Medicine men" are on of the highest regarded members of a tribe. They possess awesome abilities passed on from their elders. But that's the tip of the iceberg when talking of life.
His mother-in-law, who was able to recover from her own daughter, and two grandaughters' deaths quicker and most. Yes, she retained her faith. Anyway, she'd told Peter he was behaving irresponsibly to quit work, shut off his family completely, bla bla. Boy would I love to "interview" her for a clearer awareness how faith plays such a powerful role in guiding us to maintain hope for even the absolute worst of life's experiences.
Somewhere in all this Peter made a very serious attempt to end his life. He chose an isolated field area by a highway where no one could see him or stop him from jumping in front of a tractor-trailer going 70-80 mph. He did, and he reamembers the horn on the truck blarring as it was right on top of him.
This sounds like the "hokus-pocus" one hears in church, but Peter clearly remembers someone grabbed him by the nape of his neck, yanking him clear of the truck and saying, "It's not your time to die.", and they disappeared from awareness by the time he looked up.
I told this to my unbelieving daughter and she questioned how he could have done that to the tractor trailer driver (who could have been killed). Only after I hung up the phone did I realize I should have told her that a person's mental capabilities are devoid of those kinds of thoughts, so don't think about it.
Her reaction to me was, "You know I don't believe that stuff (the something that pulled Peter out of the way and what he was told). I know "this" is a part of my purpose on earth now; to open minds to the possibility of a power greater than us alone.
I'm certain "it" does intervene when our spirit knows so deep down that it's got more to learn and wants to continue. And even more unfathomable is how does our life affect the learning in others' life's purpose. Of course I believe, now, our spirits do not die ~ but that is hardly fathomable enough That's the truth I'm left with after piecing together the major events in 56 years of my life; there could be no other explanation. Thirty-three years of my life passed with the understanding that it was all hocus-pocus beliefs, and I didn't posess a questioning spirit, although I had a strong personality.
Peter told me he's still trying to realize how any of his tale could have happened just as it was meant to for higher awareness (or good) for all involved. I know his traveling will reveal these answers in time, and with even a mustard seed of faith, in some unknown loving source of unfathomable brilliance, will our sorrow turn into living life to the fullest again.
This post has brought me to a time when I am ready to speak about something that happened with me in June of 2008. It's going to take tremendous courage on my part to speak the truth because I was completely humbled by my own blatant loss of faith.
But that's for another day, and I've got to ready for my "work" at our local soup kitchen, so no time to check over.
Fare well and a hui ho,LL
Peter (the young man who lost his entire family in an instant 18 months earlier) took me to a church that does a lunch one afternoon a week and dinner one nite a week. It was such a wonderful experience with table cloths, flowers, 3 pieces of utensils on a napkin, condiments, and we each went up to be served an incredible spread, drinks and just a very pleasant atmosphere. I saw mostly new faces. It was deeper into town and yesterday was half empty, I guess the rain.
It was quite a good thing I'd arrived at "my" soup kitchen 10 minutes before I knew they served and this gentleman, Peter, was readying to leave because he chose to eat further into town.
My point being I could have missed running into Peter if I hadn't had a strong intention to meet up with him. And it had started to rain and it wasn't expected, but I was dressed either way.
I want to give you the details I have, and I know I can't do it now, and I'm a bit frustrated. But if I'm to go with the flow of my life, I can't let this upset me and I'll just keep on.
My daughter just called and we were able to talk a good twenty minutes, and I spoke with my 92 y.o. friend, Rosemary about today. I've got so much to accomplish before I can spend any more time writing.
And the barn has to wait another week. To be con't . .
I'm gonna jump right in. The finer details I couldn't give before are these. Peter had stayed home in Massachusetts while his wife, and two daughters, around the age of 8 had gone to Texas for a holiday and to visit, I believe part of her family. Peter was actually blessed to have had a wonderful exchange of loving conversation with each one of them on the phone just after they'd visited some "sea-world" show. He was genuinely calm and totally present in conversation with me when he shared this information, yet I did see his eyes coated with tears.
Only a short time later while he was in the backyard the phone rang. He was told they'd all been killed. I will give you what I can remember about Peter before this life-changing call. Peter was raised with the Christian beliefs about "God". He was a good man with a good family, with financial means as was his wife's family. They had an "opulent" (remember it's all relative) home, worked hard, loved each other to the fullest and they were "happy".
As I'd said, Peter went off the deep end and couldn't swim. Funny, he told me he felt like he was drowning, and that must have been what I remembered the first time I tried to relate his story.
He said he lost all FAITH. He was very angry with "God", he couldn't make sense of WHY this could happen to them all.
I'm still confused on the exact sequence of events, and I reviewed the bits and pieces I was able to write down as he told me. All I know for certain is that he completely dropped from life. He didn't speak to anyone (including his family), he quit a job he'd had for 17 years, withdrew his money and took off. He was so consumed with sorrow and anger he couldn't have done anything differently.
Yet somewhere in this incredible story, obviously before he took off, he continued to work on his girls clubhouse he had been working on when the call came. He'd been doing electrical work and for whatever reason all the circuits had been open. The bottom line is the house completely burned down. An arson investigation cleared him of any wrong doing. He'd also told me he now knows he'll be receiving $5,000,000 from insurance. I sensed his bewilderment as he spoke in earnest. No need to write all that.
He told me his paternal grandmother was full blooded Cherokee medicine woman. That alone speaks volumes, to me at least, about the incredible "blood" running through his body system. "Medicine men" are on of the highest regarded members of a tribe. They possess awesome abilities passed on from their elders. But that's the tip of the iceberg when talking of life.
His mother-in-law, who was able to recover from her own daughter, and two grandaughters' deaths quicker and most. Yes, she retained her faith. Anyway, she'd told Peter he was behaving irresponsibly to quit work, shut off his family completely, bla bla. Boy would I love to "interview" her for a clearer awareness how faith plays such a powerful role in guiding us to maintain hope for even the absolute worst of life's experiences.
Somewhere in all this Peter made a very serious attempt to end his life. He chose an isolated field area by a highway where no one could see him or stop him from jumping in front of a tractor-trailer going 70-80 mph. He did, and he reamembers the horn on the truck blarring as it was right on top of him.
This sounds like the "hokus-pocus" one hears in church, but Peter clearly remembers someone grabbed him by the nape of his neck, yanking him clear of the truck and saying, "It's not your time to die.", and they disappeared from awareness by the time he looked up.
I told this to my unbelieving daughter and she questioned how he could have done that to the tractor trailer driver (who could have been killed). Only after I hung up the phone did I realize I should have told her that a person's mental capabilities are devoid of those kinds of thoughts, so don't think about it.
Her reaction to me was, "You know I don't believe that stuff (the something that pulled Peter out of the way and what he was told). I know "this" is a part of my purpose on earth now; to open minds to the possibility of a power greater than us alone.
I'm certain "it" does intervene when our spirit knows so deep down that it's got more to learn and wants to continue. And even more unfathomable is how does our life affect the learning in others' life's purpose. Of course I believe, now, our spirits do not die ~ but that is hardly fathomable enough That's the truth I'm left with after piecing together the major events in 56 years of my life; there could be no other explanation. Thirty-three years of my life passed with the understanding that it was all hocus-pocus beliefs, and I didn't posess a questioning spirit, although I had a strong personality.
Peter told me he's still trying to realize how any of his tale could have happened just as it was meant to for higher awareness (or good) for all involved. I know his traveling will reveal these answers in time, and with even a mustard seed of faith, in some unknown loving source of unfathomable brilliance, will our sorrow turn into living life to the fullest again.
This post has brought me to a time when I am ready to speak about something that happened with me in June of 2008. It's going to take tremendous courage on my part to speak the truth because I was completely humbled by my own blatant loss of faith.
But that's for another day, and I've got to ready for my "work" at our local soup kitchen, so no time to check over.
Fare well and a hui ho,LL
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Life running away ~
I just spent my time writing to the JJ of LLJJBB, and I'm feeling grounded enough to keep writing. But I have set my timer, so I'll stay focused.
I'm telling myself "Whoa Buckshot", because it's a reminder to slow down. That statement is intertwined with my personal life on a grander scale of the happiness and peace I'm determined to maintain. "Slow down Buckshot" is now a representation of the spiritual half of me (my nature) that's searched for a mate that compliments my spirit.
The most important things to me are family, dear friends and my relationship with my self in awareness of " my life" . And when my mate started saying "Slow down Buckshot" to me, it put me onto new awareness into me that I'm trying to apply to my life.
I'm presently facing the fact I am already with myself when I'm with "him", but honestly I can't tolerate the self abuse with smoking with COPD, asthma, a weaker body system due to lifelong abuse. And I thank goodness it's not alcohol or drugs and hasn't been for 16+ or so years. Tobacco use is such an addiction it's a nightmare for folks all consumed with it.
So where am I supposed to look within me to find what it is I'm resisting about modifying in myself? I don't smoke tobacco, I drink socially, I abuse coffee, and yes, I'm knowing I must be abusing something.
Will my questions and unease unfold in peace when I can do my part? All I see is me doing this, me doing that, and me doing it all alone, and I'm always SO busy and accomplishing, and it bringing me nothing but peace and joy in securing the only future I can see right now.
I've gotten off track somewhere and I see I've just over a minute before the timer sounds. I gotta get ready to begin my day. My daughter just called with an awesome idea for my mom's 80th birthday, so I gotta start thinkin'.
There's the timer. Fare well and a hui ho, LL
I'm telling myself "Whoa Buckshot", because it's a reminder to slow down. That statement is intertwined with my personal life on a grander scale of the happiness and peace I'm determined to maintain. "Slow down Buckshot" is now a representation of the spiritual half of me (my nature) that's searched for a mate that compliments my spirit.
The most important things to me are family, dear friends and my relationship with my self in awareness of " my life" . And when my mate started saying "Slow down Buckshot" to me, it put me onto new awareness into me that I'm trying to apply to my life.
I'm presently facing the fact I am already with myself when I'm with "him", but honestly I can't tolerate the self abuse with smoking with COPD, asthma, a weaker body system due to lifelong abuse. And I thank goodness it's not alcohol or drugs and hasn't been for 16+ or so years. Tobacco use is such an addiction it's a nightmare for folks all consumed with it.
So where am I supposed to look within me to find what it is I'm resisting about modifying in myself? I don't smoke tobacco, I drink socially, I abuse coffee, and yes, I'm knowing I must be abusing something.
Will my questions and unease unfold in peace when I can do my part? All I see is me doing this, me doing that, and me doing it all alone, and I'm always SO busy and accomplishing, and it bringing me nothing but peace and joy in securing the only future I can see right now.
I've gotten off track somewhere and I see I've just over a minute before the timer sounds. I gotta get ready to begin my day. My daughter just called with an awesome idea for my mom's 80th birthday, so I gotta start thinkin'.
There's the timer. Fare well and a hui ho, LL
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