I spoke about reading a book, which explained my past to a degree, which gave me greater awareness into the "why's" for many aspects of myself and my growing-up family life. I felt the courage to move in a direction that would get me off of the pattern treadmill.
But the courage was misguided because it was guided my me alone: my thinking, the only steps known to me, or my will if you understand.
In other words, I put MY ideas into motion without seeking any guidance (outer & inner) that could keep the bigger picture of who I am firmly on a path towards something better. I literally thought prayer was simply saying preset words I never learned ~ words you had to learn from church. And I never even gave a thought to where the answers to those prayers popped from.
I split up our young family of four apart once I saw a way to support myself and my kids when I was out of a marriage I thought was built on weakness inside both my mate and myself. And I wanted out. I took a route towards creating a future in photography ~ I worked extremely hard for ten intense months to learn what it takes to make money in your own business doing (exceptional) photography. I put all my effort into doing the best I could ~ I loved it. I drove, every Friday & Sunday, 4 hours, each way between school in western Massachusetts and my two "babies", being taken care of by their father, in Maine.
I'd threatened, prior to school, that I'd take the kids with me otherwise, so my husband said he'd care for them while juggling his plant and shrub nursery in our own back yard. Oh my goodness, how could I have done that? Because I saw a way to finally be able to stand on my own two feet and make money doing it to support myself and my two kids one day in a way I knew I'd love (as I'd put in to what he did).
There was so much victimized pain on my husband's side and the drama continued behind my back as he imagined being victimized further behind his own ~ by me. Occasionally we fought horribly when I was home. Oh crap, what a misguided web of completely damaged will's acting out as only humans can.
To make matters worse, from day one I was completely captivated by my married, commercial photography instructor (who was clearly committed to his awesome life). The last semester of school, each instructor and the director gave a spellbinding slideshow of their life set to music prior to each giving his or her autobiography.
My commercial photography instructor was referred to as "Jesus" by students. Although my heart would flutter being in his presence, I only admired from afar. (yet in retrospect he flirted with me, by painting my toes while everyone was fulfilling school-yard maintenance tasks after graduation and before leaving whence we came. He called me only a couple months after graduation that he was coming to Maine to photograph the 18th century fort I'd made prints of (from roll film to finished print) while in school.
Very upfront with my husband, I spent the day showing my instructor around. We had pizza before he left for Massachusetts again, and he said he planned to return in the fall to do more photographing. I knew I wanted to be living on my own by then. And that leads me to do more damage to my family, especially to my husband. I told him I had to move out because I needed to become better at life, so I could be a better wife bla, bla. He basically supported me and even paid the rent, because I had our two children living with me. I had planned to free lance my photography skills when I could.
I got zero support from my husband that would allow me to work. His anger and hurt was greater than what appeared to be love for his children. Things continued down a destructive path.
It was suggested to me, by the gentleman showing me the first apartment, to read the book for adult children of alcoholics, in the summer of 1988. The one my cousin JJ just read (see blog http://checkingmymotives.blogspot.com/ ). So as you may see, my new found courage was completely misguided because I wasn't listening to anything other than what I knew and believed. This book had to have mentioned some higher power, yet I was still who I was.
Only a few short months later, my car (with me and my 3 &5 yr old children), hit black ice only miles from our home 12 miles down a peninsula in Maine. We were on our way to Massachusetts to visit who became my new love: my commercial photography instructor.
I believe this takes us back around to the start of my second chance in life. This leads to my grandmother, Moy, telling me how my life was saved. This left me with the incredible feeling that this is the higher power or great mystery I've never even considered could exist.
This leads to another 20 hour story, once called Raven Ravine, which is coming to life in Ever Clever Times thanks to JJ and her breathing lessons, and thanks to Miss Queen, the new friend who told me she prefers to live her life by example and how that lead to an even deeper and more thorough awareness into awareness ~ oh man, Dominos . .
More for another day. Fare well and a hui ho, LL
Monday, July 30, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
How to believe ~ it's another choice
I'm going to make an attempt to explain the process of believing in something we think we can't see, or how to believe in some unknown power showing us the way through feelings, and what we see if we choose to be aware, or how to surrender our will's to something that has only been written about for thousands of years in different areas of the world and interpreted by human beings.
I once listened to a friend from Holland explain how religion in her country is so entirely different from, at least, in the U.S.A. In Holland, FAITH is really the only aspect of religion that is stressed. I find that fascinating because all the "hocus pocus" is eliminated, if I understand correctly.
When one reaches a stage in their life where they can decide for themselves if there is or is not a power greater than themselves, I believe it's going to be a natural process for them (if they at least have been taught to trust and be aware of the mechanics of life).
We humans don't seem to question gravity, and it's also one of those things we can't deny. When love and goodness prevails, everything in life seems pretty perfect. And conversely, when hate, abuse, neglect, anger, or anything else negative you can imagine, prevails, the results of lives are damaged.
We are not conscious why some are born into lives significantly (with the whole spectrum in between) better than others, so we must agree to just accept (because otherwise it's too unfathomable for a human mind to wrap itself around) certain things, as we move ahead on a path to greater and better scenarios. Feeling powerless is the curse of mankind. Feeling your personal strength, through pure faith that there is a power greater than us alone (just like gravity) is a part of us, goodness can and does expanded with awareness of the mechanics of life. Which basically comes down to what you put out does return (some where, some way, some how, definitely some time). Best to just have faith than to need every answer.
Even a child can be taught to "see" the subtle aspects of something showing, us all constantly, which path we're on. There are such endless ways to observe: cloud shapes, music (yes it is how we interpret), rain, wind, things we find or loose, animals or critters we encounter, interactions with others . . The path towards love, helping others, responsibility, abundance of happiness is NOT as difficult as many of us make it. But let me tell ya, "it ain't easy" as most would wish.
No life ain't always going to be a bed of roses. Of course there are going to be thorns, AND when we accept this as simply the way it is and to keep going with the faith there IS a power of good and love greater than us alone ~ things DO turn around, even if it's only our attitude! Believe it or not ~ attitude is the start of everything. I learned this the hard way, so I know I know at least this. Our attitude leads to our choices. Dominos ~ life is a game of Dominos if ya want to smile ~
Death of a loved one, especially a child or young adult, and even a cherished pet, can be one of the most difficult and painful experiences to survive, even with pure faith. If you can imagine the bigger picture of why they were born and what changes with them gone, it's easier to mourn your grief and celebrate their life rather than feel loss of the worst kind.
More another day my friends. Don't loose faith if ya have it or begin to accept there is a power greater than you alone and begin to see it surrounding you whenever you choose awareness.
Fare well and a hui ho, LL
I once listened to a friend from Holland explain how religion in her country is so entirely different from, at least, in the U.S.A. In Holland, FAITH is really the only aspect of religion that is stressed. I find that fascinating because all the "hocus pocus" is eliminated, if I understand correctly.
When one reaches a stage in their life where they can decide for themselves if there is or is not a power greater than themselves, I believe it's going to be a natural process for them (if they at least have been taught to trust and be aware of the mechanics of life).
We humans don't seem to question gravity, and it's also one of those things we can't deny. When love and goodness prevails, everything in life seems pretty perfect. And conversely, when hate, abuse, neglect, anger, or anything else negative you can imagine, prevails, the results of lives are damaged.
We are not conscious why some are born into lives significantly (with the whole spectrum in between) better than others, so we must agree to just accept (because otherwise it's too unfathomable for a human mind to wrap itself around) certain things, as we move ahead on a path to greater and better scenarios. Feeling powerless is the curse of mankind. Feeling your personal strength, through pure faith that there is a power greater than us alone (just like gravity) is a part of us, goodness can and does expanded with awareness of the mechanics of life. Which basically comes down to what you put out does return (some where, some way, some how, definitely some time). Best to just have faith than to need every answer.
Even a child can be taught to "see" the subtle aspects of something showing, us all constantly, which path we're on. There are such endless ways to observe: cloud shapes, music (yes it is how we interpret), rain, wind, things we find or loose, animals or critters we encounter, interactions with others . . The path towards love, helping others, responsibility, abundance of happiness is NOT as difficult as many of us make it. But let me tell ya, "it ain't easy" as most would wish.
No life ain't always going to be a bed of roses. Of course there are going to be thorns, AND when we accept this as simply the way it is and to keep going with the faith there IS a power of good and love greater than us alone ~ things DO turn around, even if it's only our attitude! Believe it or not ~ attitude is the start of everything. I learned this the hard way, so I know I know at least this. Our attitude leads to our choices. Dominos ~ life is a game of Dominos if ya want to smile ~
Death of a loved one, especially a child or young adult, and even a cherished pet, can be one of the most difficult and painful experiences to survive, even with pure faith. If you can imagine the bigger picture of why they were born and what changes with them gone, it's easier to mourn your grief and celebrate their life rather than feel loss of the worst kind.
More another day my friends. Don't loose faith if ya have it or begin to accept there is a power greater than you alone and begin to see it surrounding you whenever you choose awareness.
Fare well and a hui ho, LL
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Nico arrives & Sophia's with Uncle Josh
My daughter and her husband's first son, Nico, arrived yesterday evening. Their 18+ month old daughter, Sophia, waits at home with her favorite uncle ~ life is happy ~ as it should be.
I've been on the river of my life for nearing 6 decades (Oh man, that just sounds so old!) But I know my hard earned wisdom, from deeper and deeper awareness into me and what I've started calling the mechanics of life, that's making this end of my journey worth every day I have left.
We all know about the role we do play in our own lives, We call 'em choices right? Either that or we're gonna feel like we had zero choice in some things and we'll grumble, or whatever, about that ~ those people who feel they didn't have any choice in a matter . . Sorry, but that ain't true! Just trace anything back and you'll always find you somewhere.
Now what about that other part of life (ie, coincidences, gravity, certain opportunities, tragedies, some health situations, death)? The things we can't and don't control. We either don't know or we don't want to know how these things occur. I believe it takes courage to believe there is something greater than us involved in the mechanics of our lives. When we acknowledge the possibility of this, we can know we're good, and we can also know we're stronger in numbers so to speak.
Quite often we can't imagine how this or that will work out, and it's gotta be quite stressful to feel it's with your will alone that things get done.
My younger sister, JJ's age (see http://checkingmymotives.blogspot.com), very recently had an experience where she searched and searched with all her will and spirit for something she knew in her heart she wanted so badly. She finally gave up her exhaustive search ~ no more she said. Then a phone call for her to check something out! The moment she set foot, or saw, or whatever ~ she knew without a doubt, because she actually felt a moment of complete joy knowing this was meant to be, that this is precisely everything she always wanted.
I will always love that story because I sent sparkley snowflakes with a magic spell (my deepest love and feelings put into words ~ with reverence) that each time they saw it "they" would feel a moment of joy like we feel when we know everything is right in our (personal) world. This year I'll reword it into the feeling what you feel the moment you realize everything is exactly how it's meant to be and it's meant to be for you, and you're overwhelmed with joy and gratitude.
This is a good place to end so I can ready to see my loves.
Fare well and a hui ho, LL
I've been on the river of my life for nearing 6 decades (Oh man, that just sounds so old!) But I know my hard earned wisdom, from deeper and deeper awareness into me and what I've started calling the mechanics of life, that's making this end of my journey worth every day I have left.
We all know about the role we do play in our own lives, We call 'em choices right? Either that or we're gonna feel like we had zero choice in some things and we'll grumble, or whatever, about that ~ those people who feel they didn't have any choice in a matter . . Sorry, but that ain't true! Just trace anything back and you'll always find you somewhere.
Now what about that other part of life (ie, coincidences, gravity, certain opportunities, tragedies, some health situations, death)? The things we can't and don't control. We either don't know or we don't want to know how these things occur. I believe it takes courage to believe there is something greater than us involved in the mechanics of our lives. When we acknowledge the possibility of this, we can know we're good, and we can also know we're stronger in numbers so to speak.
Quite often we can't imagine how this or that will work out, and it's gotta be quite stressful to feel it's with your will alone that things get done.
My younger sister, JJ's age (see http://checkingmymotives.blogspot.com), very recently had an experience where she searched and searched with all her will and spirit for something she knew in her heart she wanted so badly. She finally gave up her exhaustive search ~ no more she said. Then a phone call for her to check something out! The moment she set foot, or saw, or whatever ~ she knew without a doubt, because she actually felt a moment of complete joy knowing this was meant to be, that this is precisely everything she always wanted.
I will always love that story because I sent sparkley snowflakes with a magic spell (my deepest love and feelings put into words ~ with reverence) that each time they saw it "they" would feel a moment of joy like we feel when we know everything is right in our (personal) world. This year I'll reword it into the feeling what you feel the moment you realize everything is exactly how it's meant to be and it's meant to be for you, and you're overwhelmed with joy and gratitude.
This is a good place to end so I can ready to see my loves.
Fare well and a hui ho, LL
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Those that Mind don't Matter & Those that Matter don't Mind
It kinda goes hand-in-hand with judgements. Those that judge you don't matter to your life (when you think of it). And those that truly love you, or matter to you, really don't judge you. SO why choose to let others perceptions affect you?!? Yes, like JJ astutely said, of course she cares about her image being a good one; she's earned it through relentless self-awareness. Most of us had our self-worth damaged by childhoods that were less than perfect and ONLY we can do anything about it. And it takes determined, hard work, so no it ain't easy ~
But I feel the strength and determination JJ has to have taken her to where she is today. And I believe she's internalized the above "title" into her consciousness.
I brought my children up believing in that statement and it came back around to me, from them, when I needed to hear it most. But that's another ten hour story for another time.
JJ and I are cousins with very different life experiences, yet here we are forty-ish years later and we've each reached an emotional state in our lives that very much reflects what brought us where we are today: something greater than JJ or I alone. I've gotten to see inside her more by reading her blog:http://checkingmymotives.blogspot.com/
I came from what my boyfriend refers to as a "privileged life" and he came from a life very similar *with different traumas affecting their childhoods) to JJ's, so he has a "right" to speak his truth to me. And I must acknowledge that yes, my life was certainly a better way for a child to live. Although the emotional damage was eerily similar.
Yet perceptions are obviously mainly in our minds as I found out by reading JJ's perceptions of the family I grew up in. Leading me to my perceptions ~ seen from a higher perspective if you will, of the family I grew up in.
Now I don't know about JJ's younger life in regards to believing in a higher power, but I do know that in mine it was basically taboo and not spoken about. I grew up hearing that believing in "God" was only for weak people. My mom chose to let her beliefs in "God" remained buried for twenty-one years. But that's the way it was, and so be it. Acceptance and forgiveness are keys to unlocking doors to greater awareness of this "God", higher power, or whatever you choose to call it. It's amazing how our life seems to take another path towards deeper goodness when we accept and forgive, and surrender our will over to the unfathomable brilliance of the greatest mystery of man's life, or "God", again if you will. When you do this, and it's only a heart/mind thing, and something you must consciously feel until it becomes second nature, you life can't help but begin to head to greener pastures.
Fare well and a hui ho, LL
But I feel the strength and determination JJ has to have taken her to where she is today. And I believe she's internalized the above "title" into her consciousness.
I brought my children up believing in that statement and it came back around to me, from them, when I needed to hear it most. But that's another ten hour story for another time.
JJ and I are cousins with very different life experiences, yet here we are forty-ish years later and we've each reached an emotional state in our lives that very much reflects what brought us where we are today: something greater than JJ or I alone. I've gotten to see inside her more by reading her blog:http://checkingmymotives.blogspot.com/
I came from what my boyfriend refers to as a "privileged life" and he came from a life very similar *with different traumas affecting their childhoods) to JJ's, so he has a "right" to speak his truth to me. And I must acknowledge that yes, my life was certainly a better way for a child to live. Although the emotional damage was eerily similar.
Yet perceptions are obviously mainly in our minds as I found out by reading JJ's perceptions of the family I grew up in. Leading me to my perceptions ~ seen from a higher perspective if you will, of the family I grew up in.
Now I don't know about JJ's younger life in regards to believing in a higher power, but I do know that in mine it was basically taboo and not spoken about. I grew up hearing that believing in "God" was only for weak people. My mom chose to let her beliefs in "God" remained buried for twenty-one years. But that's the way it was, and so be it. Acceptance and forgiveness are keys to unlocking doors to greater awareness of this "God", higher power, or whatever you choose to call it. It's amazing how our life seems to take another path towards deeper goodness when we accept and forgive, and surrender our will over to the unfathomable brilliance of the greatest mystery of man's life, or "God", again if you will. When you do this, and it's only a heart/mind thing, and something you must consciously feel until it becomes second nature, you life can't help but begin to head to greener pastures.
Fare well and a hui ho, LL
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
What a Difference Perspective Makes
I basically just finished reading my cousin's blog: http://checkingmymotives.blogspot.com/ and came away with so many thoughts to process. It's quite telling, in a spiritual sort of way, that what we each ultimately write is about healing ourselves.
I probably started my tiny blog only about a year ago and she's been writing for over 2,000 days. I never really felt I had a plan. Now I know something bigger is peculating and possibly why I "stumbled across" this blog (I felt certain she wrote) ~ and immediately emailed her and it is her!
Jackie's late mother and my father were siblings, Us kids lost contact around forty years ago and I had zero idea about who Jackie is today until we started catching ourselves up only month earlier as she wrote in her blog. I felt strength and wisdom in all Jackie wrote personally to me, as well as an un-dieing love in her family. She truly admired our "good life". In "there"~ is the mysterious secret to a path for further healing for anyone willing to explore reality.
Jackie wrote how she always looked at our life as if our family was happy, normal and lucky. Each of our parents came into adulthood with sad and painful experiences that seeped into the lives of eight children.
Jackie spoke of the book for adult children of alcoholics that she was reading. I wrote back how that book also explained my life: the patterns, the anger, the dramas . . Yet her life was an extreme with two alcoholic parents and mine only damaged by behaviors created from my father's childhood in conjunction with my mother and her life's experiences.
That book ultimately started the awakening in me that gave me the courage I needed. Could that initial awakening have been the ultimate reason for why I am alive after a life-threatening accident I spoke of last?!? I still had unguided courage, but that's another day's writing.
Jackie and I see life through from similar and identical awareness and our paths have converged again. We own the choices we each made along our journeys, good and bad. Now we've each chosen to surrender the mechanics of life to a higher power ~ that also exist within us all. It's a daily conscious choice. We're each shown when we make right choices ~ we only need to be aware. But that's also another day.
Fare well and a hui ho, LL
I probably started my tiny blog only about a year ago and she's been writing for over 2,000 days. I never really felt I had a plan. Now I know something bigger is peculating and possibly why I "stumbled across" this blog (I felt certain she wrote) ~ and immediately emailed her and it is her!
Jackie's late mother and my father were siblings, Us kids lost contact around forty years ago and I had zero idea about who Jackie is today until we started catching ourselves up only month earlier as she wrote in her blog. I felt strength and wisdom in all Jackie wrote personally to me, as well as an un-dieing love in her family. She truly admired our "good life". In "there"~ is the mysterious secret to a path for further healing for anyone willing to explore reality.
Jackie wrote how she always looked at our life as if our family was happy, normal and lucky. Each of our parents came into adulthood with sad and painful experiences that seeped into the lives of eight children.
Jackie spoke of the book for adult children of alcoholics that she was reading. I wrote back how that book also explained my life: the patterns, the anger, the dramas . . Yet her life was an extreme with two alcoholic parents and mine only damaged by behaviors created from my father's childhood in conjunction with my mother and her life's experiences.
That book ultimately started the awakening in me that gave me the courage I needed. Could that initial awakening have been the ultimate reason for why I am alive after a life-threatening accident I spoke of last?!? I still had unguided courage, but that's another day's writing.
Jackie and I see life through from similar and identical awareness and our paths have converged again. We own the choices we each made along our journeys, good and bad. Now we've each chosen to surrender the mechanics of life to a higher power ~ that also exist within us all. It's a daily conscious choice. We're each shown when we make right choices ~ we only need to be aware. But that's also another day.
Fare well and a hui ho, LL
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Hey cousin JJ ~ this is for you ~
My cousin has a heart and faith as I do. Immediately after I was given the advice to read, in 1988, the same book she just read (learn more at http://checkingmymotives.blogspot.com). I made changes MY way. I had zero belief in anything other than me just being a person goin' through life.
In that book, I read my childhood explained, and and I immediately I felt the courage I could change my direction, although I didn't know yet I was still not on the right path. We all do things the only way we know how. I messed up lives and I'm sorry as they know.
Then less than 6 months later, I have an automobile wreck that forever changed my personality, my brains functioning, and my beliefs. I learned from my maternal grandmother, Moy, how my life was literally saved (by a 3 and a 5 year old). That put me on a path I shoulda been on as a child.
I know what JJ lived out brought her to where she is and a strong sense of faith is what keeps her on such a tanacious path. I feel I've been just as tenacious in my faith that my small immediate family will one day have the depth of love I desire. Yes, my children are a national statistic with divorced parents. Me more than once unfortunately.
Would you believe that one of the hugest hurdles between my youngest and myself is they have zero faith in anything other than themselves as creators of their lives. I don't know how JJ was raised to believe. But she for sure realizes the power of the other part of us; which is clearly a power greater than ourselves alone.
I'm gotten pretty mello or relatively at ease with my "experiences" (which are here for us to eventually see more into the responsibilities we have for self). Hey, I get another S.L.A.P. to wake-up and write JJ for strength. She's wisdom support. I can't wait to actually be face-to-face with her again. It's literally been more than 3 decades (if only we knew back then who'd we'd be in 2012 ~ we probably woulda laughed!
Well, this feels like the end today. Hopefully I'm gonna write more often and JJ's and my blogs should be connected somehow.
Well fare well, and a hui ho, LL
In that book, I read my childhood explained, and and I immediately I felt the courage I could change my direction, although I didn't know yet I was still not on the right path. We all do things the only way we know how. I messed up lives and I'm sorry as they know.
Then less than 6 months later, I have an automobile wreck that forever changed my personality, my brains functioning, and my beliefs. I learned from my maternal grandmother, Moy, how my life was literally saved (by a 3 and a 5 year old). That put me on a path I shoulda been on as a child.
I know what JJ lived out brought her to where she is and a strong sense of faith is what keeps her on such a tanacious path. I feel I've been just as tenacious in my faith that my small immediate family will one day have the depth of love I desire. Yes, my children are a national statistic with divorced parents. Me more than once unfortunately.
Would you believe that one of the hugest hurdles between my youngest and myself is they have zero faith in anything other than themselves as creators of their lives. I don't know how JJ was raised to believe. But she for sure realizes the power of the other part of us; which is clearly a power greater than ourselves alone.
I'm gotten pretty mello or relatively at ease with my "experiences" (which are here for us to eventually see more into the responsibilities we have for self). Hey, I get another S.L.A.P. to wake-up and write JJ for strength. She's wisdom support. I can't wait to actually be face-to-face with her again. It's literally been more than 3 decades (if only we knew back then who'd we'd be in 2012 ~ we probably woulda laughed!
Well, this feels like the end today. Hopefully I'm gonna write more often and JJ's and my blogs should be connected somehow.
Well fare well, and a hui ho, LL
Monday, July 2, 2012
Coincidence ~ I don't believe so
I literally stumbled across my cousin's blog (http://checkingmymotives.blogspot.com/) the other day. I never knew she wrote a blog, and I couldn't believe it was really hers (she never mentioned it). I shoulda known ~ she's an awesome woman.
Her mother and my father were siblings and our childhoods brought us where we are. We "recently" became reconnected, through email of all things, after decades of zero communication. I was delighted to feel the power and wisdom of her words and we've become family (as best as possible) again.
I'm going to change what I do here and simply make this a longer post, which is more me anyway. It's time to get into a reality check. The ups and downs of my life haven't been drastic enough to throw me off course for too long or too far and for that I'm grateful.Her mother and my father were siblings and our childhoods brought us where we are. We "recently" became reconnected, through email of all things, after decades of zero communication. I was delighted to feel the power and wisdom of her words and we've become family (as best as possible) again.
To me, one of the greatest indicators of how hard I've worked on myself are the friends that enter, or even the friends that exit; although not always for good in most cases. It's confirmed to me that each person we encounter is merely an opportunity for us to get to know ourselves better ~ that's just how "it" works. What we like is what we like in ourselves (for I now believe we wouldn't know it otherwise), and what we don't like is an opportunity to get truthful with ourselves about something within us we need to address if we choose.
This past weekend I had to face the truth about me that literally put me in my place. A friend told me she chooses to live her life by example. And oh my goodness was that a heavy statement for me because I know I don't. And when I admit that ~ I know that's ultimately what's been between my heart and my children's hearts. And I also know I must try harder today than I did yesterday to be that which I preach.
Well, that's enough for me and I'm off to my day.
Fare well and a hui ho, LL
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